Stuff You Should Know
by Cable Addict
Summary: A collection of little NCIS ficlets inspired by the How Stuff Works/Stuff You Should Know podcasts on iTunes. Random, short, probably bad.
1. Bungled Crimes

A/N: My newest project. Enjoy.

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"What an idiot!" Tony laughed as he slung his bag down behind his desk.

"Who?" McGee asked from his desk, looking up curiously.

"Lieutenant Robert Allen." Ziva replied as she set her bag down behind her desk. McGee raised his eyebrows signaling for Ziva to continue, but Tony took over."So there we were on the porch, Bob answers the door, we serve the warrant, he throws the can of soda he's holding at us and tries to run. But here's the thing, he doesn't try to run out the back." McGee opened his mouth and shook his head.

"Where is he now, DiNozzo?" A slightly amused Gibbs asked from his desk.

"Being booked as we speak Boss!" Tony grinned.

Ziva smiled. "He is definitely the dumbest criminal that I have ever encountered."

"Did you tell him that the warrant was for DNA?" McGee asked.

"We did, but then he threw his drink at us, so we just bagged it." Ziva held up a plastic evidence bag with a can inside it.

"Get that down to Abby." Gibbs ordered.

"Get's what down to Abby?" Abby asked as she bounced into the bullpen, arms linked with Ducky.

"This" Ziva held up the evidence bag.

"Ooh! A can of 'Orangey Orange Orange' soda! What am I looking for, fingerprints or DNA?" She quickly took and initialed the bag.

"DNA." Tony said before filling them in on what had happened.

Ducky chuckled. "That reminds me of a case on the news. A woman in Georgia bought cocaine and smoked almost all of it, when she didn't find herself intoxicated, she called the local police to get her money back from the woman she'd bought the cocaine from. When the police arrived, they ended up arrested her for possession."

Tony laughed before sharing his own dumb criminal story. "A guy decided that he wanted ro throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, rob the place and run, so he picked up the block and threw it against the window. The block bounced back against the _plexi-glass_ window, the block bounced back and knocked the guy out. The store caught the whole thing on video."

The group had several chuckles and grins before Abby shared a story.

"There was a guy in Indiana who put his gun in the front of his pants while robbing a bank, the gun went off," She glanced at Ziva, "among other things." The two females shared a grin while the males were not surprisingly quiet.

After he had gotten his voice back, McGee added to the conversation.

"In Phoenix, a man robbed a bank, and while he was being chased, he stopped in a gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. The police eventually caught up with him, and the cigarettes were still unopened.

"Let's face it, all criminals are dumb." Abby pulled Tony and Ziva, who were standing over by Tony's desk, and Ducky into a hug. "It's a good think we're smarter."We'll always get the bad guys." Tony grinned, ruffling Ziva's hair.

"Yeah?" Gibbs smirked from his desk, "Well why don't we focus on the current 'bad guy'."

"Yessir." Abby grinned, as she marched out of the bullpen and down to her lab.

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A/N: Inspired by the '10 Terribly Bungled Crimes' Stuff You Should Know iTunes podcast.


	2. Swearing at Work

A/N: SWEARING AHEAD. Inspired by the 'How Swearing at Work Works' podcast from How Stuff Works on iTunes.

When Ziva David walked into the bullpen one morning, the sound of swearing was what she was met with.

"Son of a bitch!" Tony yelped before his finger made it's way into his mouth.

"I beg your pardon?" Ziva asked, not sure if she really wanted to know.

She was given a mumbled response.

"What?!"

Tony sighed and took his finger out of his mouth. "I stapled my finger."

"Ouch." She sat down at her desk and started to mess around with her paperwork. After a few minutes of getting settled, she knocked a pen on the floor. Ziva let out a huff of frustration before bending down to pick it up.

"Damn it!" She yelled as her head made contact with the underside of her desk.

McGee watched his coworkers quietly from his desk, a small smile on his face.

"What the hell is so funny McGee?" Ziva called angrily over.

"I, uh, was just, uh, thinking of,"

"Quit stammering McUm and spit it McOut." Tony said, his finger posed just in front of his mouth.

"I recently read a study that swearing in the work place helps coworkers feel more comfortable around each other. I guess I read it at just the right time."Tony and Ziva grumbled and continued on with their work.

It wasn't long after that Gibbs would enter the bullpen with a new coffee that's lid wasn't on all the way. He would let out a string of curses and Timothy McGee would think that that day was his lucky day. That was until he got to the parking garage later that evening, and found that one of his tires was flat. Then he would let out his own string of curses.


	3. Gum

Timothy McGee walked into Abigail Sciuto's lab one Friday afternoon, and found the goth scientist cowering in the corner.

"Abby, what's wrong?" He asked as he rushed to her side.

"I can't believe it McGee." She whispered sadly.

"What? What happened? Are you alright?" His eyes searched the room for something out of the ordinary.

"No. I don't know what'll happen to me." She whispered again, near tears this time.

"Are, are you sick or something?" McGee sat down on the floor next to his friend and put his arm around her.

"Not yet."The current situation was scaring Timothy McGee. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

Abby took a deep breath, "I swallowed my gum.""Oh Abby, wait, what?" He glanced in her direction.

"I swallowed my gum!" She was near hysterics now. "Who knows what'll happen to me! Maybe it'll get stuck in my intestinal tract! Or maybe it'll clog my stomach! Oh my god! McGee! What if I die?" Tears were now streaming down the young woman's face, her mascara was a black river beneath her eyes.

"Abby! Calm down!" McGee started rubbing soothing circles on the young woman's back. "Abby, Abby, you know that's just a myth right?"Abby's head shot up, her eyes demanding that he elaborate.

"Well, gum is made up of four things." He counted them off his fingers as he listed them. "flavor, sweetener, softener, and the gum base. Three out of the four things can be broken down by the human body."

She looked at him, eyes wide. "Are you serious?"

He nodded. "Would I lie to you?"

Her face broke into a grin and she jumped up, pulling McGee up with her.

"Thank you Timmy!" She squealed while squeezing McGee in a death grip.

He managed to choke out a "You're welcome Abby."

Abby released him, and gave him a stern look. "Why did you come down here?"

"Oh, uh, Gibbs wanted to know if you matched the bullet to the gun yet."Abby nodded as she took another piece of gum and popped it into her mouth. "Matched perfectly."

McGee nodded as he started to walk backwards out of the lab. "Excellent. Thanks Abby."The young woman nodded. "Oh! And McGee?"He popped his head back into the room. "Yeah?"

"This never happened, you got that? This never happened. If anybody finds out, I'll…""…kill me and leave no forensic evidence. I got it."

Abby smiled as she turned back to her computer screen, chewing her gum loudly.

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A/N: The 'Does Gum Stay in your Stomach for Seven Years' podcast! All I have typed up so far, please stay with me!


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